Beauty from Within

Beauty is a concept I have always struggled with, meaning I have never truly seen myself as beautiful.  Sure, I've had people tell me I'm beautiful but I've often wondered what they had to gain by saying, such a thing.  I have thought about what it means to be beautiful many times.  Why does it really matter whether you are beautiful or not?  

So let's look at why I might struggle with being beautiful.  I believe many men tell women they are beautiful, just to get what they want from them.  (Notice that I didn't say..ALL)  When I think of beautiful women, I think of the women on the magazine pages, actresses or tiny thin models.

Large parts of my life have been anything but beautiful.  They have been ugly, filled with lies, trauma, pain, and a lot of anger that I didn't know what to do with.  So the question is this, Where is real beauty found?  Can I find it within myself?  I think so.  I think I have found it but it's not really in the mirror that I look in every morning.  I think its found a bit deeper.  I find beauty in my scars, battle scars... and I have many.  I try not to dwell on the past but sometimes we must.  Sometimes we have to look deep within ourselves to see that the real beauty that shines through us is from our accomplishments from overcoming our past, and sometimes that past is a terrible one.  Beauty is the place between what hurts us, what heals, and between the sheer joy that comes from overcoming the darkest parts of our lives.

We all have scars, inside and out. We have freckles from sun exposure, emotional triggers that set us off, broken bones, and broken hearts.  Don't feel ashamed or hurt by what you've gone through.  Instead, feel beautiful because you have lived to face whatever life throws at you, to face another day.  Look at your scars, really look at them and realize that they are a testament of your inner strength as a person.  It takes nothing to wear the most expensive designer outfit well, but what courage does it takes to wear our scars like diamonds? Now that is truly beautiful!

Recently I spent some time with my family.  Every time I spend time with them it reminds me of a past that I've tried very hard to put behind me.  A past that on most days, I don't think about very much anymore.  However, back home it's as if time stands still and very little changes there.  There are constant reminders of what used to be for me.  A life filled with pain and disappointment.  Maybe it's not the people, or roads I used to drive on or places I used to visit with people from my past.  Maybe its the memories of it all that still haunt me.  I see the scars and the stories, the person I used to be, but I also see a person who has depth, who is a survivor.  I know in my heart, that if I had stayed there, I wouldn't be here now.  

Emotional pain is the slowest to heal, and it's taken me a long time to heal.  I had to finally come to grips with the fact, that my life was going to be harder than I had planned.  I've always been a bit stubborn so maybe that was the only way for me to get where I am today. 

As I sat on my parents' couch this weekend, looking at a picture of me as a teen, I said to my 14 year old daughter, "I wish I could go back in time, and have a conversation with "her"." (meaning my teenage self).  My daughter laughed and said, "She probably would have kicked your butt!"

She's probably right, I was so rough around the edges back then, and I wouldn't have listened to anything anyone tried to tell me.  Back then I believed life was going to be easy and that I was ready to jump into it with both feet.  I do wish that life didn't have to be so hard sometimes, but I am thankful that I learned my lessons well.  I'm so very thankful to be the person I am today, scars and all.  

It took one single action, to change my life around.  I needed to have faith that there was a life out there worth living... My Life!  I had to look deep within myself and believe that I could make it without all the negativity.  I had to break away from everything I had known before, and be willing to make big changes.  I also had to stop blaming myself for so many things that were never my fault and start forgiving myself and loving myself again.  

When bad things happen, we don’t feel happy and beautiful, but we don’t need to despair because life gets really ugly sometimes. Joy and beauty are everywhere, in everything, in every one of us no matter how we look, and no matter how we may hurt temporarily.

Grace is beauty in motion and we can create it by choosing to smile, to recognize that we are strong, despite our insecurities.  The world is an amazing place, despite its tragedies.  We may hurt, but we will heal and there will be beauty in our scars.